Thursday, June 17, 2010

How do you play russian roulette again?

I want to apologize for not posting a lot this month. I've been depressed.


I suffer from depression. It isn't diagnosed and I don't take feel good drugs for it. There are just times when I get the blues. They've been really bad here recently.


Just a couple of things that have been happening to me during the course of the month to get everybody caught up. I'm working again. The Great Flood may have wiped out the site, but the company lives on and they have rebuilt. I'm taking calls again as Tech Support for an inbound call center. I hate it. The novelty of it has worn off, but then again, tonight is payday... so that may renew my spirit and enthusiasm for the job. I doubt it.


I asked one young lady out for coffee and she rejected me citing a disgust for men hitting on her, I checked up on her again today with the vague hope that maybe she had cooled off a bit, and found that she had indeed. Four days after I inquired her for coffee, she got back with the guy that she had split with.


I put my camera down. I don't have the space or time or models to justify my interest in the hobby. That may just be the depression talking, but I recognize that I am not a professional photographer, I'm just one of the dreaded GWC's, Guys with a Camera. A talented one granted, but still...


I haven't been exercising, sorry Kat. Ever since I dehydrated myself to the point of a small kidney stone and also working, I've been drained mentally and emotionally from being at work and not knowing why my body has decided to betray me.

I know I should exercise, I recognize that little fact, but I also recognize that I need more than a voice on the phone or a message on my screen saying that I should. I need somebody who's willing to kick my ass so I can kick my own ass into shape.


I've been talking to this other girl for a while; she knows I'm interested in her, but it appears that she has assigned a type to me.

I walked in to see her and she tells me to agree with her; to just say yes to "sometimes".

Sometimes to what I ask.

Girls are sometimes is all I get from her.

Frustrating and annoy? I agree with you that yes, girls are sometimes frustrating and annoying.

Oh really? How is that?

Want to go out with me for dinner and a movie tonight?

No honey, I'm actually dating somebody right now.

See? You've just frustrated and annoyed me.

The conversation then went into types and how I wasn't her's. But what got to me was that she never really identified what type she's assigned to me.

A bit of asking around and I find that I haven't escaped the nice guy stigma.


I HATE NICE GUYS.

  • Me: you able to talk?
  • Her: Sure thing, what's up
  • me: Would you call me 'safe'?
  • Her: o.0# ... yes, did someone say you weren't?
  • me: Bear with me a few....
  • Her: Okies
  • me: What would say my type is? What type am I in the context of dating?
  • Her: type?
  • me: nice guy, rebel, creep, etc
  • Her: Nice guy.
  • me: fuck
  • Her: what?
  • that's bad?
  • me: yes, that is a death sentence
  • Her: oh?
  • me: think about it... how many nice guys have you really been attracted too? and gone out with vs the number of bad boys/rebels/ jerks/ assholes/ fill in your flavor here?
  • Her: Uhm, i married one
  • me: and he turned out to be what?
  • Her: .. right point proven


This too shall pass, but I'm a bit concerned about my wellbeing in regards to my depression. I'm not having suicidal thoughts, but at the same time I'm not wanting to go out and fix myself either. If my body fails on me, then I am not wanting them to fix me. I don't want to be zapped back into existence. I like it when I'm asleep right now.


I downloaded an app on how to seduce women and the general gist of what I got out of it was this:

Ignore her as much as possible, don't talk about sex, and hope she notices.

There's some value to it but at the same time I also get the feeling that it was written with somebody in mind that doesn't have my lifestyle in mind.


On a Different note: I have a tumblr account where I am currently reblogging pictures from Art or Porn. I've always strived to create art with my photography and now I'm going to be giving a critical look at the pictures that this guy posts and answer for myself if what he is showing is art or porn. If you want to pop over and take a look and I encourage to challenge my declarations on them. If I call something Art and you disagree, then please let me know why.


Challenge me.


http://darkthoughtsdarkdeeds.tumblr.com


Be sure to click on one or both of my links to FortraDVD and The Stockroom. Buy something and make me money.


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