Sunday, May 30, 2010
Flirt log 5/30/10
Hot topic girl
I feel like I'm crossing a line because I'm asking her to model for me.
We met and spoke about the possibility of doing some modeling for me. At the end of the meeting, I felt like I was at a golden opportunity to ask her out to coffee.
Maybe I've fucked up. I don't know. She's cute. I don't want to lose the opportunity to do a photoshoot with her, but I also like her so I couldn't waste the opportunity.
I'm not paying her for the modeling, nor is she paying me. I suppose that removes some of the dubiousness out of the ethical part of this.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
Friday, May 28, 2010
Life's little moments.
Of all the lessons in life that I was taught growing up by my parents, by television, and by books, the worst lesson was that I needed somebody else in my life to be happy.
That's a lie. In fact, it's such a harmful lesson that I attribute it to the number of desperate single people in the world today. You can be happy all by your lonesome, or rather, you don't need a romantic partner to be happy.
When you go out looking for a romantic partner, the thing you don't want to do is pin the whole of your happiness to them being with you. What you do want to do is to attain your happiness from other sources.
So let's explore this a little. If you aren't satisfied with your life as it is right now, getting a romantic partner involved will not solve all of you emotional woes; in fact, it may even make you unhappier in the long run.
Identify what about your life that needs to change in order for you to find satisfaction.
Let me clarify: I'm not saying don't go looking for romantic partners, just don't go looking for your happiness with them. Look to share your happiness and satisfaction in life with them, not for them to provide it to you.
Think about it like this: you find somebody who looks to you for their happiness...It's a nice thought until you don't meet an expectation, or the happiness doesn't come and they're left with the thought that they'll be happier with somebody else.
Get a hobby, find a better job, move away from the family, try new things, get a pet, etc. Do something to give your life substance so that when you do find a romantic partner, they find a life worth joining.
The key to this statement is that they are joining in your happiness, not providing it to you.
What am I doing to provide myself with my own satisfaction? I'm writing, I do photography, I organize groups and community events in the kinky community, I have friends that I can turn to for company, and my family.
What do you have?
That's a lie. In fact, it's such a harmful lesson that I attribute it to the number of desperate single people in the world today. You can be happy all by your lonesome, or rather, you don't need a romantic partner to be happy.
When you go out looking for a romantic partner, the thing you don't want to do is pin the whole of your happiness to them being with you. What you do want to do is to attain your happiness from other sources.
So let's explore this a little. If you aren't satisfied with your life as it is right now, getting a romantic partner involved will not solve all of you emotional woes; in fact, it may even make you unhappier in the long run.
Identify what about your life that needs to change in order for you to find satisfaction.
Let me clarify: I'm not saying don't go looking for romantic partners, just don't go looking for your happiness with them. Look to share your happiness and satisfaction in life with them, not for them to provide it to you.
Think about it like this: you find somebody who looks to you for their happiness...It's a nice thought until you don't meet an expectation, or the happiness doesn't come and they're left with the thought that they'll be happier with somebody else.
Get a hobby, find a better job, move away from the family, try new things, get a pet, etc. Do something to give your life substance so that when you do find a romantic partner, they find a life worth joining.
The key to this statement is that they are joining in your happiness, not providing it to you.
What am I doing to provide myself with my own satisfaction? I'm writing, I do photography, I organize groups and community events in the kinky community, I have friends that I can turn to for company, and my family.
What do you have?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Last night was... Powerful.
I picked K up and we went Back to my place. We hung out, had dinner, and briefly discussed what we were going to be doing. I had her for the evening so there was no rush.
She looked at my collection of books, erotic photography, books on relationships and dominance with the occasional novel.
I know that just jumping into a scene can be jarring, K has had so little support and comfort recently I'm proud that she can get what she needs from me. I allow her to get that from me. I'm waiting for her to get in the right mindframe, the one that is pliable to my will.
When she's ready, I have her fold her clothes off to the side, then kneel before me and kiss my ring. I place my collar around her neck and lock it into place. I tell her that as long as she wears my collar then she is mine to do with as I please, my property. She accepted this.
After locking it into place, I tell her to try and take it off. She struggles with it but soon gives up, her submission is almost tangible after she realizes that this symbol of my ownership of her is not easily removed.
My purpose tonight is to cause her pain. I want to test her tolerance.
I used several toys to that purpose.
* my bare hands
* the riding crops
* the big wooden paddle
* the rattan cane
* the flicker
* the floggers
* nipple clamps
I tagged her upper back, her thighs, and her butt leaving her very pink and hot to the touch. I had to hold her up and get her back into position by gripping her pussy after the pain of the toys made her dance.
I was very satisfied with her pain tolerance. I decided to move onto the bondage portion of our activities. I don't like handcuffs, thin metal bands that can cut off circulation or you can lose the key too. I prefer leather cuffs, wide, flexible, and adjustible. You really have to be talented to hurt yourself with a pair of leather cuffs.
Ankles and wrists secured in leather cuffs, I get her done up with some breast bondage and have her kneel before me again.
K has an issue with oral sex. She can't seem to initiate the act. She wants too, but she needs help getting started.
I had her undress me using only her teeth. When I was undressed, I ordered her to service me orally, but that resulted with her face planted firmly between my legs, but no oral service. I want to push her, but not too hard and not too fast.
I secure her wrists together behind her and secure her ankles to my spreader bar and then proceed to punish her pussy by slapping it with my hand, striking it with a riding crop and then stimulating it with the hitachi magic wand.
During this process, I work a butt plug into her and attempt to fist her while using the hitachi.
I'm able to get four fingers into her pussy before she's cumming and thrashing around despite the bonds I have her in.
After she settles down, I release her arms and legs and allow her to recuperate.
We talk about the reluctance of her giving oral service. She says that she wants to be able to do it but embarasment.
I secure her hands above her head to my headboard and force her to suck my cock. I make sure that she's in a green state during this, our safewords. If she really wanted to, she could get out of the restraints.
I release her arms and she withdraws onto herself, embarasment again. I tell her that she should be proud to be sucking my cock.
I tell her that I want her to crawl between my legs and suck my cock and to do it proudly. It takes her a few minutes but she's able to do it without me forcing her.
I found that refering to her as my property really turned her on.
"How does it feel being my property, and that I'm fucking my property?"
"I love shoving my cock deep into my property's pussy. "
I am proud of my girl, my property, for taking what I gave her. I don't seek to out do others but to realize my potential as a dominant.
A note on sex and domination, they can be seperate and often should be, but this was covered in our negotiations.
I have to say that the hitachi magic wand is one of the best investments towards my toybag ever. Period.
It has helped turn an anal virgin with reservations into an anal slut in record time.
But as fun and exciting as all of those things were, they were nothing compared to K resting her head on my foot and saying thank you after we were done.
If things weren't so complicated with her situation then I would say that I had found my kinky girl, but her situation is so complicated that we both know that we're only play partners.
Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. I'm not going force that issue.
A note on leg exercises. I need to do more of them. I felt the burn when I tried to do one position and it included me doing monkey thrusts into her.
Fortunately, that is all that FortraDVD is. Squats with a bit of extra thrown in. I'm glad of the exercises I'm doing because I used them during the naughty bad fun time I had.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
She looked at my collection of books, erotic photography, books on relationships and dominance with the occasional novel.
I know that just jumping into a scene can be jarring, K has had so little support and comfort recently I'm proud that she can get what she needs from me. I allow her to get that from me. I'm waiting for her to get in the right mindframe, the one that is pliable to my will.
When she's ready, I have her fold her clothes off to the side, then kneel before me and kiss my ring. I place my collar around her neck and lock it into place. I tell her that as long as she wears my collar then she is mine to do with as I please, my property. She accepted this.
After locking it into place, I tell her to try and take it off. She struggles with it but soon gives up, her submission is almost tangible after she realizes that this symbol of my ownership of her is not easily removed.
My purpose tonight is to cause her pain. I want to test her tolerance.
I used several toys to that purpose.
* my bare hands
* the riding crops
* the big wooden paddle
* the rattan cane
* the flicker
* the floggers
* nipple clamps
I tagged her upper back, her thighs, and her butt leaving her very pink and hot to the touch. I had to hold her up and get her back into position by gripping her pussy after the pain of the toys made her dance.
I was very satisfied with her pain tolerance. I decided to move onto the bondage portion of our activities. I don't like handcuffs, thin metal bands that can cut off circulation or you can lose the key too. I prefer leather cuffs, wide, flexible, and adjustible. You really have to be talented to hurt yourself with a pair of leather cuffs.
Ankles and wrists secured in leather cuffs, I get her done up with some breast bondage and have her kneel before me again.
K has an issue with oral sex. She can't seem to initiate the act. She wants too, but she needs help getting started.
I had her undress me using only her teeth. When I was undressed, I ordered her to service me orally, but that resulted with her face planted firmly between my legs, but no oral service. I want to push her, but not too hard and not too fast.
I secure her wrists together behind her and secure her ankles to my spreader bar and then proceed to punish her pussy by slapping it with my hand, striking it with a riding crop and then stimulating it with the hitachi magic wand.
During this process, I work a butt plug into her and attempt to fist her while using the hitachi.
I'm able to get four fingers into her pussy before she's cumming and thrashing around despite the bonds I have her in.
After she settles down, I release her arms and legs and allow her to recuperate.
We talk about the reluctance of her giving oral service. She says that she wants to be able to do it but embarasment.
I secure her hands above her head to my headboard and force her to suck my cock. I make sure that she's in a green state during this, our safewords. If she really wanted to, she could get out of the restraints.
I release her arms and she withdraws onto herself, embarasment again. I tell her that she should be proud to be sucking my cock.
I tell her that I want her to crawl between my legs and suck my cock and to do it proudly. It takes her a few minutes but she's able to do it without me forcing her.
I found that refering to her as my property really turned her on.
"How does it feel being my property, and that I'm fucking my property?"
"I love shoving my cock deep into my property's pussy. "
I am proud of my girl, my property, for taking what I gave her. I don't seek to out do others but to realize my potential as a dominant.
A note on sex and domination, they can be seperate and often should be, but this was covered in our negotiations.
I have to say that the hitachi magic wand is one of the best investments towards my toybag ever. Period.
It has helped turn an anal virgin with reservations into an anal slut in record time.
But as fun and exciting as all of those things were, they were nothing compared to K resting her head on my foot and saying thank you after we were done.
If things weren't so complicated with her situation then I would say that I had found my kinky girl, but her situation is so complicated that we both know that we're only play partners.
Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. I'm not going force that issue.
A note on leg exercises. I need to do more of them. I felt the burn when I tried to do one position and it included me doing monkey thrusts into her.
Fortunately, that is all that FortraDVD is. Squats with a bit of extra thrown in. I'm glad of the exercises I'm doing because I used them during the naughty bad fun time I had.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
Friday, May 21, 2010
Ex girlfriend blues
The job hunt continues.
After missing the exercises on Wednesday I did them today and I feel the neglect.
Ex girlfriends are a bitch. Especially ones that you fell in love with and they didn't. I hate that she said that she had though. The memory of her saying the words 'I love you' in my ears on multiple occasions haunted my thoughts for many months and made me a desperate man trying to purge her from me after she had left.
I can honestly say that I'm indifferent to her now. She has moved on and for the longest time she was asking me to give her time while she got her life together. Lies. She never had the intention of coming back to me, and like many cowards, she was afraid to give me a straight answer. So even though she claimed to not want to lead me on, she had me by a leash and was parading me around.
It took her getting a boyfriend before telling me the truth about her feelings and letting me know that the possibility of us getting back together were nill.
I have to admit that I went through emotional hell over her. I had fallen in love and she had me convinced she felt the same. But alas she didn't actually have those feelings.
Our last 'conversation' I wanted to at the very least be a friend, but she didn't trust me to be just a friend. That she didn't care one way or the other if we were friends or not. So I told that it was in her hands and I have since left her alone.
Three to four weeks later, I've moved on and not haunted by her any more. I get full nights of sleep. I'm very glad to have her out of my life. I don't want her back. I don't miss the person I was when I was in love with her without her.
She text's me up today: "hey... Been thinking about u since the flood. D works for charter who is putting in the lines for ya'lls new office. Hope ur doing okay."
"I'm fine" was all I responded with. I was tempted to say so much more. I had a brief flash of emotion about her, but I am not going to pursue this girl anymore.
I sincerely hope that I don't hear from her again. I don't one hundred percent trust myself in regards to her. I was willing to make the commitment, to marry this girl to be a part of her life. She rejected me by going out and finding another man.
So fuck her. If I ever get the opportunity, I think I would have to tie her down and grudge fuck her ass. Then shove a butt plug in her after cumming inside of her. Ex Sex is the best because you don't care what happens after you're done. You're not their boyfriend. The funny thing about this is that I don't feel this way about all my ex's, just this one. She's the only one that I want to just utterly humiliate and degrade to the point of a doing all that above, then a golden shower on her, tossing her out the door butt as naked with her clothes thrown out at her shortly after and I wouldn't care about losing the butt plug.
She has had her opportunity with me, she let me go. Hell, she crumpled me up and threw me away. Her 'concern' for me means about as much to me now as her admissions of love do to me now as well.
I can't say that the thought of getting back together with her is a bad one, but she is convinced that she's damaged goods and is bound and determined to act the part. I hope that the new guy is experiencing the same drama that she put me through.
I'm done with her. She's a weakness, my weakness.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
After missing the exercises on Wednesday I did them today and I feel the neglect.
Ex girlfriends are a bitch. Especially ones that you fell in love with and they didn't. I hate that she said that she had though. The memory of her saying the words 'I love you' in my ears on multiple occasions haunted my thoughts for many months and made me a desperate man trying to purge her from me after she had left.
I can honestly say that I'm indifferent to her now. She has moved on and for the longest time she was asking me to give her time while she got her life together. Lies. She never had the intention of coming back to me, and like many cowards, she was afraid to give me a straight answer. So even though she claimed to not want to lead me on, she had me by a leash and was parading me around.
It took her getting a boyfriend before telling me the truth about her feelings and letting me know that the possibility of us getting back together were nill.
I have to admit that I went through emotional hell over her. I had fallen in love and she had me convinced she felt the same. But alas she didn't actually have those feelings.
Our last 'conversation' I wanted to at the very least be a friend, but she didn't trust me to be just a friend. That she didn't care one way or the other if we were friends or not. So I told that it was in her hands and I have since left her alone.
Three to four weeks later, I've moved on and not haunted by her any more. I get full nights of sleep. I'm very glad to have her out of my life. I don't want her back. I don't miss the person I was when I was in love with her without her.
She text's me up today: "hey... Been thinking about u since the flood. D works for charter who is putting in the lines for ya'lls new office. Hope ur doing okay."
"I'm fine" was all I responded with. I was tempted to say so much more. I had a brief flash of emotion about her, but I am not going to pursue this girl anymore.
I sincerely hope that I don't hear from her again. I don't one hundred percent trust myself in regards to her. I was willing to make the commitment, to marry this girl to be a part of her life. She rejected me by going out and finding another man.
So fuck her. If I ever get the opportunity, I think I would have to tie her down and grudge fuck her ass. Then shove a butt plug in her after cumming inside of her. Ex Sex is the best because you don't care what happens after you're done. You're not their boyfriend. The funny thing about this is that I don't feel this way about all my ex's, just this one. She's the only one that I want to just utterly humiliate and degrade to the point of a doing all that above, then a golden shower on her, tossing her out the door butt as naked with her clothes thrown out at her shortly after and I wouldn't care about losing the butt plug.
She has had her opportunity with me, she let me go. Hell, she crumpled me up and threw me away. Her 'concern' for me means about as much to me now as her admissions of love do to me now as well.
I can't say that the thought of getting back together with her is a bad one, but she is convinced that she's damaged goods and is bound and determined to act the part. I hope that the new guy is experiencing the same drama that she put me through.
I'm done with her. She's a weakness, my weakness.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Swimming upstream towards the bears
Sometimes it can be hard to go against the grain of expectations. I do my best to be the best I can be and not be one of the many 'doms' out there by just wretching control from a prospective submissive. I want to seduce the submission from them, to have them give it to me willingly and to exchange their power for my control.
I've heard the horror stories of the girls setting up a profile on some of these sites out there, bdsmsingles, collarme, fetlife and a few I probably haven't heard of and within a day, their inboxes are just filled to bursting with messages from men and women all claiming to be either dominants, masters, or mistresses and all saying the exact same thing.
"I am now your master, submit to my will."
I wonder how many girls actually fall for that line of B.S.
I believe in Power Exchange. I love taking a powerful woman and having her relinquish her power to me. To have control of such a woman that others are afraid of her and she has submitted to me. That is intoxicating.
Now I'm not saying I'm forcing her to do anything, it would be 100% voluntary.
That does lead into some interesting conversations though. How does one such as I begin a conversation with a willing submissive who's put themselves on the block as a submissive and I want to get to know the person before I have their submission? I want to know them before I start ordering them around acting like a cat or dog, leading them around on a leash.
It is powerful for me to know that the person that is at my feet looking reverently up at me is somebody other than just a playmate.
"Hey, how are you doing?" Doesn't seem to cut it.
I guess this is why I'm opting out of online dating. As much as I can.
I need to work on my flirting and conversation skills. I had a golden opportunity the other day and I couldn't think of a single thing to talk about to this vanilla girl I had just met.
She was cute with glasses and a big nose but she had a body on her and a tight little butt.
Here's another good question: does watching porn effect how you view women?
I know that it does effect how I view myself and what the expectations of women are in the bed.
I have to remind myself that not all girls have had porno experience in that all the men in their lives haven't had 10+ meat sticks between their legs nor will they ever. Chances are that I'm actually larger than they are.
For those of you trying to figure it out, yes, I have performance anxiety because of my weight and health. Both of which I am improving.
Depending on what happens today, I may not have time to do my exercises today... The mornings seem to fly by so quickly and the afternoons aren't much different.
My attitude towards inflicting pain has gone from reluctant to eager here these past few months, it helps when people are asking for it as opposed to afraid of it. As I continue to gain more experience, I'll probably find more of my inner sadist and really start to come into my own as far as that goes.
That being said, I'm looking forward to playing with K again. Last time it was about dominance and pleasure, but this time it will be about dominance and pain, maybe a little pleasure.
We'll see.
I've heard the horror stories of the girls setting up a profile on some of these sites out there, bdsmsingles, collarme, fetlife and a few I probably haven't heard of and within a day, their inboxes are just filled to bursting with messages from men and women all claiming to be either dominants, masters, or mistresses and all saying the exact same thing.
"I am now your master, submit to my will."
I wonder how many girls actually fall for that line of B.S.
I believe in Power Exchange. I love taking a powerful woman and having her relinquish her power to me. To have control of such a woman that others are afraid of her and she has submitted to me. That is intoxicating.
Now I'm not saying I'm forcing her to do anything, it would be 100% voluntary.
That does lead into some interesting conversations though. How does one such as I begin a conversation with a willing submissive who's put themselves on the block as a submissive and I want to get to know the person before I have their submission? I want to know them before I start ordering them around acting like a cat or dog, leading them around on a leash.
It is powerful for me to know that the person that is at my feet looking reverently up at me is somebody other than just a playmate.
"Hey, how are you doing?" Doesn't seem to cut it.
I guess this is why I'm opting out of online dating. As much as I can.
I need to work on my flirting and conversation skills. I had a golden opportunity the other day and I couldn't think of a single thing to talk about to this vanilla girl I had just met.
She was cute with glasses and a big nose but she had a body on her and a tight little butt.
Here's another good question: does watching porn effect how you view women?
I know that it does effect how I view myself and what the expectations of women are in the bed.
I have to remind myself that not all girls have had porno experience in that all the men in their lives haven't had 10+ meat sticks between their legs nor will they ever. Chances are that I'm actually larger than they are.
For those of you trying to figure it out, yes, I have performance anxiety because of my weight and health. Both of which I am improving.
Depending on what happens today, I may not have time to do my exercises today... The mornings seem to fly by so quickly and the afternoons aren't much different.
My attitude towards inflicting pain has gone from reluctant to eager here these past few months, it helps when people are asking for it as opposed to afraid of it. As I continue to gain more experience, I'll probably find more of my inner sadist and really start to come into my own as far as that goes.
That being said, I'm looking forward to playing with K again. Last time it was about dominance and pleasure, but this time it will be about dominance and pain, maybe a little pleasure.
We'll see.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Random thoughts on an iPod
I was able to make it out to The Mark for their annual slave auction. http://themarkbycpi.com Saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while, met a lot of people that were new to me.
There were a few young women there that I wouldn't mind going out with. I'm not ready yet though.
I want to lose at least fifty pounds before I start really dating anybody. I think that the way that I'm doing this weightloss is going to be crucial in not just seeing me lose the weight but regaining the ultimate control and health of my body.
I want my stomach to either be in line with my chest or below it. So I think I'll find some additional cardio, core exercises and chest exercises to do on the off days of Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I know that my body isn't my biggest issue when it comes to dating and sex, but it is a major component.
Attitude and behavior. Sex appeal.
I want to get my own place, somewhere that I can dedicate to my passions and make my own money.
I'm still toying with the idea of making my own book and website. I need models for that though. I also need more money than what I have.
I feel like I'm starting at square one, I'm missing so much information about my job history and there was a period of about a year that I was unemployed. I was going to school and working at the school paper, but I was bringing in no substantial amount of income.
I used to collect Skin Two magazines and Marque magazines before they stopped carrying them at my usual bookstore haunts. I guess I was the only one buying the product.
I did the FortraDVD exercises today and I was able to do more of them. It left me soaked with sweat and exhausted. I also finished off the workout as she implies, I'll try this for a week and see if this has a noticable effect.
I'm also going to fill up my off days with some cardio, upper body, and core exercises. Or if I can find a good martial arts class to attend.
The job hunt continues: the application process is as arduous as I ever remember.
I hope that I can find work soon. I'm running into all the scams for people seeking work though, pay us X dollars and then you can apply with us.
Lol! Sorry buddy. If I had the money to be paying you, then I wouldn't be needing a job.
Tomorrow is measurement Wednesday and I hope I've lost something.
I need to see about selling some of my photography. I'll start a list of search options up and see if I can find some sites willing to buy then try to find a girl willing to take a chance.
How much does a bondage/fetish model get paid?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
There were a few young women there that I wouldn't mind going out with. I'm not ready yet though.
I want to lose at least fifty pounds before I start really dating anybody. I think that the way that I'm doing this weightloss is going to be crucial in not just seeing me lose the weight but regaining the ultimate control and health of my body.
I want my stomach to either be in line with my chest or below it. So I think I'll find some additional cardio, core exercises and chest exercises to do on the off days of Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I know that my body isn't my biggest issue when it comes to dating and sex, but it is a major component.
Attitude and behavior. Sex appeal.
I want to get my own place, somewhere that I can dedicate to my passions and make my own money.
I'm still toying with the idea of making my own book and website. I need models for that though. I also need more money than what I have.
I feel like I'm starting at square one, I'm missing so much information about my job history and there was a period of about a year that I was unemployed. I was going to school and working at the school paper, but I was bringing in no substantial amount of income.
I used to collect Skin Two magazines and Marque magazines before they stopped carrying them at my usual bookstore haunts. I guess I was the only one buying the product.
I did the FortraDVD exercises today and I was able to do more of them. It left me soaked with sweat and exhausted. I also finished off the workout as she implies, I'll try this for a week and see if this has a noticable effect.
I'm also going to fill up my off days with some cardio, upper body, and core exercises. Or if I can find a good martial arts class to attend.
The job hunt continues: the application process is as arduous as I ever remember.
I hope that I can find work soon. I'm running into all the scams for people seeking work though, pay us X dollars and then you can apply with us.
Lol! Sorry buddy. If I had the money to be paying you, then I wouldn't be needing a job.
Tomorrow is measurement Wednesday and I hope I've lost something.
I need to see about selling some of my photography. I'll start a list of search options up and see if I can find some sites willing to buy then try to find a girl willing to take a chance.
How much does a bondage/fetish model get paid?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
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