Thursday, June 17, 2010

How do you play russian roulette again?

I want to apologize for not posting a lot this month. I've been depressed.


I suffer from depression. It isn't diagnosed and I don't take feel good drugs for it. There are just times when I get the blues. They've been really bad here recently.


Just a couple of things that have been happening to me during the course of the month to get everybody caught up. I'm working again. The Great Flood may have wiped out the site, but the company lives on and they have rebuilt. I'm taking calls again as Tech Support for an inbound call center. I hate it. The novelty of it has worn off, but then again, tonight is payday... so that may renew my spirit and enthusiasm for the job. I doubt it.


I asked one young lady out for coffee and she rejected me citing a disgust for men hitting on her, I checked up on her again today with the vague hope that maybe she had cooled off a bit, and found that she had indeed. Four days after I inquired her for coffee, she got back with the guy that she had split with.


I put my camera down. I don't have the space or time or models to justify my interest in the hobby. That may just be the depression talking, but I recognize that I am not a professional photographer, I'm just one of the dreaded GWC's, Guys with a Camera. A talented one granted, but still...


I haven't been exercising, sorry Kat. Ever since I dehydrated myself to the point of a small kidney stone and also working, I've been drained mentally and emotionally from being at work and not knowing why my body has decided to betray me.

I know I should exercise, I recognize that little fact, but I also recognize that I need more than a voice on the phone or a message on my screen saying that I should. I need somebody who's willing to kick my ass so I can kick my own ass into shape.


I've been talking to this other girl for a while; she knows I'm interested in her, but it appears that she has assigned a type to me.

I walked in to see her and she tells me to agree with her; to just say yes to "sometimes".

Sometimes to what I ask.

Girls are sometimes is all I get from her.

Frustrating and annoy? I agree with you that yes, girls are sometimes frustrating and annoying.

Oh really? How is that?

Want to go out with me for dinner and a movie tonight?

No honey, I'm actually dating somebody right now.

See? You've just frustrated and annoyed me.

The conversation then went into types and how I wasn't her's. But what got to me was that she never really identified what type she's assigned to me.

A bit of asking around and I find that I haven't escaped the nice guy stigma.


I HATE NICE GUYS.

  • Me: you able to talk?
  • Her: Sure thing, what's up
  • me: Would you call me 'safe'?
  • Her: o.0# ... yes, did someone say you weren't?
  • me: Bear with me a few....
  • Her: Okies
  • me: What would say my type is? What type am I in the context of dating?
  • Her: type?
  • me: nice guy, rebel, creep, etc
  • Her: Nice guy.
  • me: fuck
  • Her: what?
  • that's bad?
  • me: yes, that is a death sentence
  • Her: oh?
  • me: think about it... how many nice guys have you really been attracted too? and gone out with vs the number of bad boys/rebels/ jerks/ assholes/ fill in your flavor here?
  • Her: Uhm, i married one
  • me: and he turned out to be what?
  • Her: .. right point proven


This too shall pass, but I'm a bit concerned about my wellbeing in regards to my depression. I'm not having suicidal thoughts, but at the same time I'm not wanting to go out and fix myself either. If my body fails on me, then I am not wanting them to fix me. I don't want to be zapped back into existence. I like it when I'm asleep right now.


I downloaded an app on how to seduce women and the general gist of what I got out of it was this:

Ignore her as much as possible, don't talk about sex, and hope she notices.

There's some value to it but at the same time I also get the feeling that it was written with somebody in mind that doesn't have my lifestyle in mind.


On a Different note: I have a tumblr account where I am currently reblogging pictures from Art or Porn. I've always strived to create art with my photography and now I'm going to be giving a critical look at the pictures that this guy posts and answer for myself if what he is showing is art or porn. If you want to pop over and take a look and I encourage to challenge my declarations on them. If I call something Art and you disagree, then please let me know why.


Challenge me.


http://darkthoughtsdarkdeeds.tumblr.com


Be sure to click on one or both of my links to FortraDVD and The Stockroom. Buy something and make me money.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Old online girlfriends...sorta.

An ode to online porn stars turned what have you.


About eight months ago, I met a former online porn star online, maybe. I met her through a most dubious of online free dating sites, Collarme.com and we sort of hit it off as much as two people can online.


Once we got on chat and she started sending me images, I was impressed by how much we were just connecting with each other, or rather by her lack of just wanting to show me naked pictures of her and how for the low price of 1.99 and the right timing, I could catch her online cam show.


She didn't hint that she was an online porn starlet or that she was trying to sell anything, but when she sent me an image of herself, I knew something was afoot.


So I did a little investigative googling and profile searching, took her collarme profile name, which was different from her yahoo screen name, but she had put in the first name of her yahoo profile. So I had a first and last name. Usually not something to go by, but in this case it struck me figurative gold.


She didn't have a long run as a porn starlet and she was, relatively, right in my backyard, only a couple of hundred miles away.


It took a little time but I got her to admit to her past to me. The hints were there, the professional photography that she sent me, the unusual name she used, and a few other details that googling her name pulled up, such as other profiles on other dating sites. I was almost convinced that I had a real catch on my hands.


However bitter experience has taught me that even though you found it on the internets doesn't mean that it is Kosher. One of my tests for meeting potential partners on the web is to request something that would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my new former porn starlet turned online romance was in all actuality who she was saying she was. I hadn't seen any just candid pictures of her yet.


Which is where it started to fall apart on us. We would sit up and talk deep into the night, each promising the other that we would do it again the next night, only for her to disappear for a few days to a week offline for reasons unknown.


She ended up in Canada one day and this is what sealed it for me. She started to ask me for a favour and I was hoping against hope that it would be something reasonable, but she asked me for money. Dealbreaker.


We hadn't met. I was wary of being scammed, and all of a sudden she was in canada needing money with a big 'turnaround' of a windfall that was going to happen to her once her business was concluded here in the states.


I felt horrible about it, but I was somewhat prepared for that. So I didn't fall too hard.


She caught up with me online again a few months ago and we just sort of talked online, but I didn't put any real effort into the interactions because I was and I am still convinced that she's some Nigerian out for my money. Not that I'm a big target, but still...


I come home today and I find a couple of new messages from her.


Joyfulness.


There is that small insignificant hope that she is real, that I've really touched her in a special way and that she wants to be with me... But then I laugh like the Joker from Batman at the hilarity of it.


No word back from her two days later. All is well then.

Friday, June 4, 2010

From Hot topic girl in response to my asking her out to coffee.


no offense but im kind anti guy right now. Im just wanting more friends bc i cant stand guys even hitting on me for that matter...which id like to think that u arent impling that.


My response to her was this:


Honestly, I was. Take this how you want but I think you're interesting, intriguing, and attractive. But if you aren't interested then I'm not going to be apologetic nor offended. I thought it would have been a crime on my part to not make the attempt to know such a lovely woman such as yourself. But I shall respect your wishes in this regard.


So I think that I'm going to have to write her off and move on. She's in Hot Topic, but I'm not going to be writing her up again, nor shall I be asking her to model for me as I've successfully alienated her in that she's uncomfortable with guys hitting on her and I've just told her that I am doing just that.


Her loss and that's one more no I don't have to hear.


The lesson: don't lie to them and say that you aren't interested when you really are. You set yourself up for failure that way in more ways than one. You want X from them and if they aren't willing or interested then you have got to be able to move on to the one who is willing to provide X.


X in this case being the potential for a relationship.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Water logged

Dehydration is a bitch

I've been doing a lot of sweating recently, either from working out, doing yard work, or other vigerious activities.

I guess I haven't been replacing the water I've been losing because I haven't been feeling 100% for a few days.

The worst day was right after I had gone out drinking, it felt like I had been kicked both in the kidneys and then again in the jimmy. I also had to piss continousily, even though nothing would be there.

I had my fears about what was happening to me. Urinary tract infection, kidney stone, STD, etc. I chugged cranberry juice like it was going out of style.

Only after a couple of days of drinking water and not doing strenous sweaty things, I'm feeling a lot better. I sincerely hope that this was the case. I would hate to have dehydrated myself to the point of a kidney stone.

Who knew that losing the "water weight" would hurt so much?

So a bit of research later and the correct amount of water to drink is equal to your weight divided by two in ounces. So if, for example, I weigh 250 lbs. Divide that by two and then I'm left with 125 ounces I have to drink over the course of the day.

I've been trying, I'm halfway through my third 33 oz bottle of water and I just feel wet. One more to go after that.

On the bright side, my giblets don't feel like they've been pounded on and my bladder doesn't feel as if it is trying to escape my body via my Prince Albert.

For all of you guys out there who think water just isn't for you, then just wait until you really get dehydrated one time. I don't mean thirsty, but painfully dehydrated.




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