Saturday, August 7, 2010



Considering what I've posted on my blog in the past... I find this hilarious.







Tuesday, July 27, 2010

random updates

I really don't like the way I look in photographs right now.

I say right now... ever is a better word. I've always hated the way I look. Maybe that's why I decided to be a photographer... sorry, GWC (guy with camera) for so long.

The red headed girl didn't work out. She's too young and has a boyfriend. I told her I had romantic intentions when I asked her out and predictably what happened next was that she wanted to maintain the friendship and I haven't seen her online since. I don't care, she's cute but taken.

Though she did keep flashing me 'unintentionally' while we were having coffee.

Met a new girl at the local bookstore, she's working there and new and we talked about books. Again, I think the age gap is going to be too big, or at least the fat gap. I'm bloated and I know it. I've been eating horribly and getting less than enough exercise.

I don't have a good excuse or reason, call it passive suicide. I've been in a really, really really bad funk here lately. I may be seeing the other end of the tunnel or... I'm encountering the oncoming train... We'll see.

I've been talking to an old friend from high school. She has two kids and represents the 'safe' option I guess. I don't know. She lives far enough away that she's really out of my way but at the same time, I have no excuse for not going to go see her. Problem is is that she's. of course, married and getting a divorce.

I'm getting really tired of dating married girls. Makes me feel like a second choice. Not prime material etc. I hate that feeling. but then again, I can't fight the truth. I'm not prime.

I must apologize at this point; I'm about to go on in a self loathing manner and you don't deserve this. I'm telling you now that what follows is drivel, just me hating on myself to get this out of my system.

I'm stuck in a self destructive spiral and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I know what could pull me out of it and paradoxically, I can't get what I need because I want it so bad. Does that make any sense?

A friend of mine recently said that her kink was broken and I'm starting to feel that mine is too. I'm not getting the same thrill from anything anymore and my interest in what I was passionate for before is now... muted if not squelshed altogether.

It isn't fair for me to put the burden of my happiness upon the shoulders of another, but there it is; I need somebody to support me. Emotionally. To hold me as I cry and regain my composure. To tell me that they'll be there and that they care for me as nobody else does.

Somebody once said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I can't disagree more. Because when you have loved and lost then you are burdened with the knowledge of what you have lost and what you are missing, but those who are ignorant of what they have never experienced are truly in bliss.

I've been tracking my moods here lately, they're mostly unpleasant.

Well, they're unpleasant when I'm by myself. I actually have good moods when I'm with others.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

This has potential.

I met a girl.

She's cute. She's into Anime, Video Games, and Cosplaying.

She jumped when we met; trying to pose in midair like they do in the cartoons. She has the big rimmed geeky glasses that look really good on certain girls.

I didn't bat an eye and I was able to keep up with her on her chosen favorite topics.

I asked her out for coffee. She said yes. She's going to college.

We exchanged facebooks.

Her facebook says she's in a relationship. So I sent her a message confirming the date of the coffee date and I emphasized the word date.

She said sounds good. We're meeting next week.


Saturday, July 10, 2010

blast from the past:

I've gone on about a certain girl from my past that still has a certain... hold over me. I recently found a letter she had written me when we were dating and I would like to share it with you. Maybe by sharing it, I can either explain why she has that hold or pry her fingers off my heart strings just a little bit.

ahem*

My J********
Good morning! so this morning I'm writing to tell you a Crazy dream I had last night. Remember... nobody can control dreams. lol. Don't let anybody see this.
So... it is set in the older times (kinda like your book [sleeping beauty by Anne Rice]). You are going to another town where you can purchase a sex slave. So there is about 500 men and about 40 naked women in chains on a stage. The men bid on each girl and of course the highest bidder wins the girl. The girl then goes home and obeys every command and treats him with all respect. So you purchased me. You then wrap me in a velvet robe and took me by my arm with a very firm grip. We get to your home and once we are in I can hear you talking to your roommate.

Apparently you had a deal with this guy that you could live in the castle for free as long as he could have me for one night. You come to me and order me to follow his command till morning. This man was very sloppy, treated me with harsh commands and forceful actions. We did not have sex but I had to do things to pleasure him.

The next day you take me, cloth me with a slip that was see through. You have me bring you food and hand feed you (by the way this entire time my hands are cuffed and with chains). When night falls you bring me into your room, you were nicer. You first lay me down taking my slip off then slowly ran your hand over every curve of my body applying slight pressure to areas that attracted you. You then stand me up off to the side of your bed. You reach over to your drawer and pull out a key.

You grab my wrist firmly and say to me " I will unlock you if you promise to stay here by my side and if you do and still obey my commands I will respect you as well."

I agree.

You unlock me. We stand there facing each other for a minute with no words or movements. You then go and sit in a curved chair, you then lean back into a comfort zone. You command me to come over and stradle your lap.

We gaze at each other meeting eye to eye looking very deep into each other. You slowly grab the back of my neck very gently at first and then you forcefully bring me into you kissing me firmly on my lips. As we continue to kiss passionately you firmly gram my lower hips, moving me closer so my naked body is pressed up against yours.

The you slowly move me back and forth. At this point I'm starting to get comfortable with you and enjoying myself and starting to make moves on myself.

You command me in a very firm voice "Stop!"

In a milder voice you say, "I didn't tell you to enjoy yourself."

You push me away, stand up, walk over to your bed and lay down with your arms resting behind your head. You are now naked. You then nod for me to come over to you and lean over you to whisper in my ear to now sit on top of you, and take over.

I slowly climb on top of you (very nervously) then start to kiss you starting at your ears, down your neck, my hands running down your side. I then place your dick fully into my mouth. My limps slowly wrap around you, my warm wet tongue slides up and down you, starting at the base and ending with my lips circling the tip.

Once I have you fully excited and hard, you pull me up, I land with me sitting directly on you. You can feel how hot my body is on top of you. You then throw my over to your side, you pull me to the edge of your bed and lay me on my belly. As I am bent over your bed and your hands on my hips, you insert yourself into me very forcefully. Forcing your hard, thick, long dick into my tight, wet pink pussy. I can feel your balls bouncing off my wetness and you can feel my round butt bouncing off of you.

I scream with joy, gripping the sheets of the bed. You then slow down and move one hand to where it lays flat on my stomach. Now we take the time to just slowly feel our bodies glide together in and out. this brings great pleasure to me and as my pleasure heightens my legs straighten bring my body slightly higher, you deeply insert yourself into me and I cum over your hard dick with a long moan.

You, feeling my warm wetness rung over you and feeling my lips tighten around you and my ass becoming firm against your body, you cum inside of me, forcing you to moan back to me very deeply and your hand pressing more firmly on my hips. You pull me around, facing you and kiss me very passionately.

We lay in the bed and you cover me with a thin sheet.

"Kiss me on my neck and lay on me and rest now. In the morning we will do this again." you say to me.

this is me blushing. It was a very detailed dream.

I don't don't know what else to say at this point. I can't wait to be with you.

Your A*******

This is what got away from me. This is what I remember of that relationship. This is why when she texts me up out of the blue I get upset. Because I had it and then I didn't.

Oh well. I hope you enjoy it.
The Conversation... Via Text
The following happened today and out of the blue.
Ex: Really really weird and wrong cuz i am with someone but i am laying here and all i could think of suddenly is u... hope ur doing well sry its late. sent 1:06am Recieved 11:54am
Me: I don't know how to respond to this. Sent 11:58am
Me: Did you want to talk or were you just sharing? Sent 12:21pm
Ex: Idk it was really weird how i just thought of u last night and us watching tv together on the couch... guess sharing and really wanted to make sure ur doing ok Recieved 12:29pm
Me: No Sent 12:30pm
Ex: Whats wrong? Recieved 12:30pm
Me: What can i say? You still haunt me. I have regrets that we didn't work out and i miss you. and you rejected me. You catch me off guard. Sent 12:38pm
Ex: Sorry :(.. I was trying to be nice. Later Recieved 12:42pm
Me: Unless you want to make up and try again then please leave me alone. I know what we had was brief but it touched me. Sent 12:50pm

This from the girl I was willing to marry in a heartbeat. I'm fine and able to move on without her in my life... I just need her there out of my life.
Did I do the right thing?

Why can't she leave me alone?

Ex girlfriend texts me up, same one I want to grudge fuck and tells me she's wrong and weird but she suddenly started thinking of me last night again and how we used to watch television on the couch.

How the fuck am I supposed to respond to or answer this fucking bitch? Do I tell her that the weirdest things remind mr of her still, I miss seeing her talking to her and just her presence and that I was much better with her than I am without her? That I wish I had never fucking met her because I don't feel right any more without her and despite my best efforts I haven't been able to move on past her and every time I feel like I'm making progress she sends me a single text message that drags me to tears as if everything was fresh.

I fucking hate this.

I told her I wasn't okay and that she still haunts me. Unless she was serious in wanting to make it work with me, then to leave me alone.

I know the likely hood of that happening, maybe that will prevent her from fucking me up emotionally.

I was fine before she texted me up, but afterwards I was getting short with my eyeglass tech. I feel on edge now.

Getting new glasses after four years, yay.

I'm all fucked up right now.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Friday, July 9, 2010


Status update

I know I haven't posted anything in a while. I kinda hope you missed me.
I haven't had much to blog about. No, I haven't found anybody yet. I've been in the blues thinking about my life and wallowing in porn. Pretty sad actually.

I had a date with an old high school crush, it went well. We're going out again, but I'm not getting that jolt of a new relationship. It feels like I'm just meeting an old friend for... whatever.

Bought some new clothes, couple of shirts and a pair of pants. Made sure they fit, I was happy to note that my pants went down a size. So the exercise is paying off there.

Ever since I started working again, it has felt like I have no time during the day, but this may be more because of my Internet habits than anything else.

I'm sleeping more, I should be, I'm drinking a sleep tonic before bed.

Money has been an issue. Too many meals purchased at the fast food places on lunch eats up my money as fast as I can eat my lunch.

I'm really sick of hope that is perpetuated that people meet their significant other at the most random of times, at the bookstore, grocery shopping or other mundane activity.

It just hasn't happened to me yet.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Something on my arm that is just visible if I wear a short sleeve shirt.

Maybe a tribal pattern of something creeping down my arm.

The saying is that girls like a bad boy but they'll marry the good boys. Sure. For some reason I don't believe that anymore.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Thursday, July 1, 2010

7/01/2010

Thursday, June 17, 2010

How do you play russian roulette again?

I want to apologize for not posting a lot this month. I've been depressed.


I suffer from depression. It isn't diagnosed and I don't take feel good drugs for it. There are just times when I get the blues. They've been really bad here recently.


Just a couple of things that have been happening to me during the course of the month to get everybody caught up. I'm working again. The Great Flood may have wiped out the site, but the company lives on and they have rebuilt. I'm taking calls again as Tech Support for an inbound call center. I hate it. The novelty of it has worn off, but then again, tonight is payday... so that may renew my spirit and enthusiasm for the job. I doubt it.


I asked one young lady out for coffee and she rejected me citing a disgust for men hitting on her, I checked up on her again today with the vague hope that maybe she had cooled off a bit, and found that she had indeed. Four days after I inquired her for coffee, she got back with the guy that she had split with.


I put my camera down. I don't have the space or time or models to justify my interest in the hobby. That may just be the depression talking, but I recognize that I am not a professional photographer, I'm just one of the dreaded GWC's, Guys with a Camera. A talented one granted, but still...


I haven't been exercising, sorry Kat. Ever since I dehydrated myself to the point of a small kidney stone and also working, I've been drained mentally and emotionally from being at work and not knowing why my body has decided to betray me.

I know I should exercise, I recognize that little fact, but I also recognize that I need more than a voice on the phone or a message on my screen saying that I should. I need somebody who's willing to kick my ass so I can kick my own ass into shape.


I've been talking to this other girl for a while; she knows I'm interested in her, but it appears that she has assigned a type to me.

I walked in to see her and she tells me to agree with her; to just say yes to "sometimes".

Sometimes to what I ask.

Girls are sometimes is all I get from her.

Frustrating and annoy? I agree with you that yes, girls are sometimes frustrating and annoying.

Oh really? How is that?

Want to go out with me for dinner and a movie tonight?

No honey, I'm actually dating somebody right now.

See? You've just frustrated and annoyed me.

The conversation then went into types and how I wasn't her's. But what got to me was that she never really identified what type she's assigned to me.

A bit of asking around and I find that I haven't escaped the nice guy stigma.


I HATE NICE GUYS.

  • Me: you able to talk?
  • Her: Sure thing, what's up
  • me: Would you call me 'safe'?
  • Her: o.0# ... yes, did someone say you weren't?
  • me: Bear with me a few....
  • Her: Okies
  • me: What would say my type is? What type am I in the context of dating?
  • Her: type?
  • me: nice guy, rebel, creep, etc
  • Her: Nice guy.
  • me: fuck
  • Her: what?
  • that's bad?
  • me: yes, that is a death sentence
  • Her: oh?
  • me: think about it... how many nice guys have you really been attracted too? and gone out with vs the number of bad boys/rebels/ jerks/ assholes/ fill in your flavor here?
  • Her: Uhm, i married one
  • me: and he turned out to be what?
  • Her: .. right point proven


This too shall pass, but I'm a bit concerned about my wellbeing in regards to my depression. I'm not having suicidal thoughts, but at the same time I'm not wanting to go out and fix myself either. If my body fails on me, then I am not wanting them to fix me. I don't want to be zapped back into existence. I like it when I'm asleep right now.


I downloaded an app on how to seduce women and the general gist of what I got out of it was this:

Ignore her as much as possible, don't talk about sex, and hope she notices.

There's some value to it but at the same time I also get the feeling that it was written with somebody in mind that doesn't have my lifestyle in mind.


On a Different note: I have a tumblr account where I am currently reblogging pictures from Art or Porn. I've always strived to create art with my photography and now I'm going to be giving a critical look at the pictures that this guy posts and answer for myself if what he is showing is art or porn. If you want to pop over and take a look and I encourage to challenge my declarations on them. If I call something Art and you disagree, then please let me know why.


Challenge me.


http://darkthoughtsdarkdeeds.tumblr.com


Be sure to click on one or both of my links to FortraDVD and The Stockroom. Buy something and make me money.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Old online girlfriends...sorta.

An ode to online porn stars turned what have you.


About eight months ago, I met a former online porn star online, maybe. I met her through a most dubious of online free dating sites, Collarme.com and we sort of hit it off as much as two people can online.


Once we got on chat and she started sending me images, I was impressed by how much we were just connecting with each other, or rather by her lack of just wanting to show me naked pictures of her and how for the low price of 1.99 and the right timing, I could catch her online cam show.


She didn't hint that she was an online porn starlet or that she was trying to sell anything, but when she sent me an image of herself, I knew something was afoot.


So I did a little investigative googling and profile searching, took her collarme profile name, which was different from her yahoo screen name, but she had put in the first name of her yahoo profile. So I had a first and last name. Usually not something to go by, but in this case it struck me figurative gold.


She didn't have a long run as a porn starlet and she was, relatively, right in my backyard, only a couple of hundred miles away.


It took a little time but I got her to admit to her past to me. The hints were there, the professional photography that she sent me, the unusual name she used, and a few other details that googling her name pulled up, such as other profiles on other dating sites. I was almost convinced that I had a real catch on my hands.


However bitter experience has taught me that even though you found it on the internets doesn't mean that it is Kosher. One of my tests for meeting potential partners on the web is to request something that would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my new former porn starlet turned online romance was in all actuality who she was saying she was. I hadn't seen any just candid pictures of her yet.


Which is where it started to fall apart on us. We would sit up and talk deep into the night, each promising the other that we would do it again the next night, only for her to disappear for a few days to a week offline for reasons unknown.


She ended up in Canada one day and this is what sealed it for me. She started to ask me for a favour and I was hoping against hope that it would be something reasonable, but she asked me for money. Dealbreaker.


We hadn't met. I was wary of being scammed, and all of a sudden she was in canada needing money with a big 'turnaround' of a windfall that was going to happen to her once her business was concluded here in the states.


I felt horrible about it, but I was somewhat prepared for that. So I didn't fall too hard.


She caught up with me online again a few months ago and we just sort of talked online, but I didn't put any real effort into the interactions because I was and I am still convinced that she's some Nigerian out for my money. Not that I'm a big target, but still...


I come home today and I find a couple of new messages from her.


Joyfulness.


There is that small insignificant hope that she is real, that I've really touched her in a special way and that she wants to be with me... But then I laugh like the Joker from Batman at the hilarity of it.


No word back from her two days later. All is well then.

Friday, June 4, 2010

From Hot topic girl in response to my asking her out to coffee.


no offense but im kind anti guy right now. Im just wanting more friends bc i cant stand guys even hitting on me for that matter...which id like to think that u arent impling that.


My response to her was this:


Honestly, I was. Take this how you want but I think you're interesting, intriguing, and attractive. But if you aren't interested then I'm not going to be apologetic nor offended. I thought it would have been a crime on my part to not make the attempt to know such a lovely woman such as yourself. But I shall respect your wishes in this regard.


So I think that I'm going to have to write her off and move on. She's in Hot Topic, but I'm not going to be writing her up again, nor shall I be asking her to model for me as I've successfully alienated her in that she's uncomfortable with guys hitting on her and I've just told her that I am doing just that.


Her loss and that's one more no I don't have to hear.


The lesson: don't lie to them and say that you aren't interested when you really are. You set yourself up for failure that way in more ways than one. You want X from them and if they aren't willing or interested then you have got to be able to move on to the one who is willing to provide X.


X in this case being the potential for a relationship.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Water logged

Dehydration is a bitch

I've been doing a lot of sweating recently, either from working out, doing yard work, or other vigerious activities.

I guess I haven't been replacing the water I've been losing because I haven't been feeling 100% for a few days.

The worst day was right after I had gone out drinking, it felt like I had been kicked both in the kidneys and then again in the jimmy. I also had to piss continousily, even though nothing would be there.

I had my fears about what was happening to me. Urinary tract infection, kidney stone, STD, etc. I chugged cranberry juice like it was going out of style.

Only after a couple of days of drinking water and not doing strenous sweaty things, I'm feeling a lot better. I sincerely hope that this was the case. I would hate to have dehydrated myself to the point of a kidney stone.

Who knew that losing the "water weight" would hurt so much?

So a bit of research later and the correct amount of water to drink is equal to your weight divided by two in ounces. So if, for example, I weigh 250 lbs. Divide that by two and then I'm left with 125 ounces I have to drink over the course of the day.

I've been trying, I'm halfway through my third 33 oz bottle of water and I just feel wet. One more to go after that.

On the bright side, my giblets don't feel like they've been pounded on and my bladder doesn't feel as if it is trying to escape my body via my Prince Albert.

For all of you guys out there who think water just isn't for you, then just wait until you really get dehydrated one time. I don't mean thirsty, but painfully dehydrated.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Monday, May 31, 2010

Flirt log 5/31/10

Chuck Palahniuk girl

I saw her hello kitty tattoo, which let me open with questions about her tattoos. She had a tattoo of the cover of Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.

She was impressed that I knew the reference, we flirted over his other novels up till it was time to make my order at the coffee cafe. When I asked if we could talk more later online, she said that the barista was her boyfriend.

She ended up giving me her facebook info though.

Lesson: know your references. You never know who you can impress.

Potential? Medium to slim.


At the movies:

Cashier, she had a cheap promise ring, flirted with her over it.

Concessions girl; it was her first day, her discomfort was endearing. As her trainer was handling the people in front of me, I told her to get me a water. We chatted a bit about first days at work before I got rung up and cashed out.

Lesson: don't just focus on one girl at first, you don't know which one is going to work.

Lesson: you don't have to flirt in overdrive. You can flirt with a longterm goal in mind.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Flirt log 5/30/10


Hot topic girl

I feel like I'm crossing a line because I'm asking her to model for me.

We met and spoke about the possibility of doing some modeling for me. At the end of the meeting, I felt like I was at a golden opportunity to ask her out to coffee.

Maybe I've fucked up. I don't know. She's cute. I don't want to lose the opportunity to do a photoshoot with her, but I also like her so I couldn't waste the opportunity.

I'm not paying her for the modeling, nor is she paying me. I suppose that removes some of the dubiousness out of the ethical part of this.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Friday, May 28, 2010

Life's little moments.

Of all the lessons in life that I was taught growing up by my parents, by television, and by books, the worst lesson was that I needed somebody else in my life to be happy.

That's a lie. In fact, it's such a harmful lesson that I attribute it to the number of desperate single people in the world today. You can be happy all by your lonesome, or rather, you don't need a romantic partner to be happy.

When you go out looking for a romantic partner, the thing you don't want to do is pin the whole of your happiness to them being with you. What you do want to do is to attain your happiness from other sources.

So let's explore this a little. If you aren't satisfied with your life as it is right now, getting a romantic partner involved will not solve all of you emotional woes; in fact, it may even make you unhappier in the long run.

Identify what about your life that needs to change in order for you to find satisfaction.

Let me clarify: I'm not saying don't go looking for romantic partners, just don't go looking for your happiness with them. Look to share your happiness and satisfaction in life with them, not for them to provide it to you.

Think about it like this: you find somebody who looks to you for their happiness...It's a nice thought until you don't meet an expectation, or the happiness doesn't come and they're left with the thought that they'll be happier with somebody else.

Get a hobby, find a better job, move away from the family, try new things, get a pet, etc. Do something to give your life substance so that when you do find a romantic partner, they find a life worth joining.

The key to this statement is that they are joining in your happiness, not providing it to you.

What am I doing to provide myself with my own satisfaction? I'm writing, I do photography, I organize groups and community events in the kinky community, I have friends that I can turn to for company, and my family.

What do you have?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Do I have too?

I'm sitting here staring at a pile of work that needs to be done for me to move forward. I've been staring at it since about 8. I'm looking for things to distract me from the work because I've let it develop into a mountain and I'm not one hundred percent sure which rock will be the best one to start with to whittle the mountain down to bitesize chunks.

Fetlife, that wonderfully perverted social site of kinky goodness, is down at the moment. I keep getting the 504 Gateway Time-out error. Which is good in it's own way, means I can't be perving it up there and not be getting my work done.

I'm trying to find a way so that I can display my photography so I can maybe get a job doing what I love.

I love taking pictures... of naked girls... in bondage... fetish... and erotic poses.
Yeah. This picture is one of mine.

I'm going to have to create that job aren't I?

There's more work to be done. Yard work, Resume work, Job-application work, Domestic work.

It's monday so it's the day I do my Fortra exercises. Another task to be put on the pile. I love the exercises, don't get me wrong, but when I look at it all together...

Jay Wiseman once posted something in his group on fetlife about having a babysitter, somebody that came over, hung out and kept him on task. Having played that role for others in the past, I appreciate what it is that he was asking for.

Just somebody to be there and prevent the distractions of the shiny sites, the new and interesting porn (They're doing what with a what to that Girl??), and the random perving of random fetlife members.

If I ever get my kinky submissive girl, that will be one of her duties to me. Keep me on task.

Something weird last night: I went to bed a little hungry last night, then about 3am I woke up with a funny feeling in my stomach and my mouth was just watering.

Now when I say watering, I don't mean the little bit of extra saliva you get when you think of or smell food, I mean I didn't need a drink of water after I swallowed what was in my mouth.

Maybe it was a dream.

I would also like to make a note about my sexuality. I'm hetroflexible. I just found this term and I haven't looked it up, but I'm a smart fellow, so I'm going to make an educated guess/make up my own meaning for the word.

Being hetroflexible; I am attracted to feminine people. I've experimented in the past with anal stimulation and blowjobs with other men and I found that the only major obstacle for me was the Hair. I can't do the body hair nor the facial hair, but I had no issue with the penis. Go figure.

So when I say that I'm hetroflexible, I mean that I can be flexible in my defining of a partner. If I get a pre op transexual that can pass, then I'm okay with that. If I get a woman that occasionally wants to use a strap on, that's fine too.

Do I need that? No, I'm just open to it. I refuse to pigeonhole myself into any role. Except maybe kinky bastard.

I think I've wasted enough time...

Back to work with me.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Last night was... Powerful.

I picked K up and we went Back to my place. We hung out, had dinner, and briefly discussed what we were going to be doing. I had her for the evening so there was no rush.

She looked at my collection of books, erotic photography, books on relationships and dominance with the occasional novel.

I know that just jumping into a scene can be jarring, K has had so little support and comfort recently I'm proud that she can get what she needs from me. I allow her to get that from me. I'm waiting for her to get in the right mindframe, the one that is pliable to my will.

When she's ready, I have her fold her clothes off to the side, then kneel before me and kiss my ring. I place my collar around her neck and lock it into place. I tell her that as long as she wears my collar then she is mine to do with as I please, my property. She accepted this.

After locking it into place, I tell her to try and take it off. She struggles with it but soon gives up, her submission is almost tangible after she realizes that this symbol of my ownership of her is not easily removed.

My purpose tonight is to cause her pain. I want to test her tolerance.

I used several toys to that purpose.

* my bare hands
* the riding crops
* the big wooden paddle
* the rattan cane
* the flicker
* the floggers
* nipple clamps

I tagged her upper back, her thighs, and her butt leaving her very pink and hot to the touch. I had to hold her up and get her back into position by gripping her pussy after the pain of the toys made her dance.

I was very satisfied with her pain tolerance. I decided to move onto the bondage portion of our activities. I don't like handcuffs, thin metal bands that can cut off circulation or you can lose the key too. I prefer leather cuffs, wide, flexible, and adjustible. You really have to be talented to hurt yourself with a pair of leather cuffs.

Ankles and wrists secured in leather cuffs, I get her done up with some breast bondage and have her kneel before me again.

K has an issue with oral sex. She can't seem to initiate the act. She wants too, but she needs help getting started.
I had her undress me using only her teeth. When I was undressed, I ordered her to service me orally, but that resulted with her face planted firmly between my legs, but no oral service. I want to push her, but not too hard and not too fast.

I secure her wrists together behind her and secure her ankles to my spreader bar and then proceed to punish her pussy by slapping it with my hand, striking it with a riding crop and then stimulating it with the hitachi magic wand.

During this process, I work a butt plug into her and attempt to fist her while using the hitachi.

I'm able to get four fingers into her pussy before she's cumming and thrashing around despite the bonds I have her in.

After she settles down, I release her arms and legs and allow her to recuperate.

We talk about the reluctance of her giving oral service. She says that she wants to be able to do it but embarasment.

I secure her hands above her head to my headboard and force her to suck my cock. I make sure that she's in a green state during this, our safewords. If she really wanted to, she could get out of the restraints.

I release her arms and she withdraws onto herself, embarasment again. I tell her that she should be proud to be sucking my cock.

I tell her that I want her to crawl between my legs and suck my cock and to do it proudly. It takes her a few minutes but she's able to do it without me forcing her.

I found that refering to her as my property really turned her on.
"How does it feel being my property, and that I'm fucking my property?"
"I love shoving my cock deep into my property's pussy. "

I am proud of my girl, my property, for taking what I gave her. I don't seek to out do others but to realize my potential as a dominant.

A note on sex and domination, they can be seperate and often should be, but this was covered in our negotiations.

I have to say that the hitachi magic wand is one of the best investments towards my toybag ever. Period.

It has helped turn an anal virgin with reservations into an anal slut in record time.

But as fun and exciting as all of those things were, they were nothing compared to K resting her head on my foot and saying thank you after we were done.

If things weren't so complicated with her situation then I would say that I had found my kinky girl, but her situation is so complicated that we both know that we're only play partners.

Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. I'm not going force that issue.

A note on leg exercises. I need to do more of them. I felt the burn when I tried to do one position and it included me doing monkey thrusts into her.

Fortunately, that is all that FortraDVD is. Squats with a bit of extra thrown in. I'm glad of the exercises I'm doing because I used them during the naughty bad fun time I had.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Friday, May 21, 2010

Ex girlfriend blues

The job hunt continues.

After missing the exercises on Wednesday I did them today and I feel the neglect.

Ex girlfriends are a bitch. Especially ones that you fell in love with and they didn't. I hate that she said that she had though. The memory of her saying the words 'I love you' in my ears on multiple occasions haunted my thoughts for many months and made me a desperate man trying to purge her from me after she had left.

I can honestly say that I'm indifferent to her now. She has moved on and for the longest time she was asking me to give her time while she got her life together. Lies. She never had the intention of coming back to me, and like many cowards, she was afraid to give me a straight answer. So even though she claimed to not want to lead me on, she had me by a leash and was parading me around.

It took her getting a boyfriend before telling me the truth about her feelings and letting me know that the possibility of us getting back together were nill.

I have to admit that I went through emotional hell over her. I had fallen in love and she had me convinced she felt the same. But alas she didn't actually have those feelings.

Our last 'conversation' I wanted to at the very least be a friend, but she didn't trust me to be just a friend. That she didn't care one way or the other if we were friends or not. So I told that it was in her hands and I have since left her alone.

Three to four weeks later, I've moved on and not haunted by her any more. I get full nights of sleep. I'm very glad to have her out of my life. I don't want her back. I don't miss the person I was when I was in love with her without her.

She text's me up today: "hey... Been thinking about u since the flood. D works for charter who is putting in the lines for ya'lls new office. Hope ur doing okay."

"I'm fine" was all I responded with. I was tempted to say so much more. I had a brief flash of emotion about her, but I am not going to pursue this girl anymore.

I sincerely hope that I don't hear from her again. I don't one hundred percent trust myself in regards to her. I was willing to make the commitment, to marry this girl to be a part of her life. She rejected me by going out and finding another man.

So fuck her. If I ever get the opportunity, I think I would have to tie her down and grudge fuck her ass. Then shove a butt plug in her after cumming inside of her. Ex Sex is the best because you don't care what happens after you're done. You're not their boyfriend. The funny thing about this is that I don't feel this way about all my ex's, just this one. She's the only one that I want to just utterly humiliate and degrade to the point of a doing all that above, then a golden shower on her, tossing her out the door butt as naked with her clothes thrown out at her shortly after and I wouldn't care about losing the butt plug.

She has had her opportunity with me, she let me go. Hell, she crumpled me up and threw me away. Her 'concern' for me means about as much to me now as her admissions of love do to me now as well.

I can't say that the thought of getting back together with her is a bad one, but she is convinced that she's damaged goods and is bound and determined to act the part. I hope that the new guy is experiencing the same drama that she put me through.

I'm done with her. She's a weakness, my weakness.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Swimming upstream towards the bears

Sometimes it can be hard to go against the grain of expectations. I do my best to be the best I can be and not be one of the many 'doms' out there by just wretching control from a prospective submissive. I want to seduce the submission from them, to have them give it to me willingly and to exchange their power for my control.

I've heard the horror stories of the girls setting up a profile on some of these sites out there, bdsmsingles, collarme, fetlife and a few I probably haven't heard of and within a day, their inboxes are just filled to bursting with messages from men and women all claiming to be either dominants, masters, or mistresses and all saying the exact same thing.

"I am now your master, submit to my will."

I wonder how many girls actually fall for that line of B.S.

I believe in Power Exchange. I love taking a powerful woman and having her relinquish her power to me. To have control of such a woman that others are afraid of her and she has submitted to me. That is intoxicating.

Now I'm not saying I'm forcing her to do anything, it would be 100% voluntary.

That does lead into some interesting conversations though. How does one such as I begin a conversation with a willing submissive who's put themselves on the block as a submissive and I want to get to know the person before I have their submission? I want to know them before I start ordering them around acting like a cat or dog, leading them around on a leash.

It is powerful for me to know that the person that is at my feet looking reverently up at me is somebody other than just a playmate.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Doesn't seem to cut it.

I guess this is why I'm opting out of online dating. As much as I can.

I need to work on my flirting and conversation skills. I had a golden opportunity the other day and I couldn't think of a single thing to talk about to this vanilla girl I had just met.

She was cute with glasses and a big nose but she had a body on her and a tight little butt.

Here's another good question: does watching porn effect how you view women?
I know that it does effect how I view myself and what the expectations of women are in the bed.

I have to remind myself that not all girls have had porno experience in that all the men in their lives haven't had 10+ meat sticks between their legs nor will they ever. Chances are that I'm actually larger than they are.

For those of you trying to figure it out, yes, I have performance anxiety because of my weight and health. Both of which I am improving.

Depending on what happens today, I may not have time to do my exercises today... The mornings seem to fly by so quickly and the afternoons aren't much different.

My attitude towards inflicting pain has gone from reluctant to eager here these past few months, it helps when people are asking for it as opposed to afraid of it. As I continue to gain more experience, I'll probably find more of my inner sadist and really start to come into my own as far as that goes.

That being said, I'm looking forward to playing with K again. Last time it was about dominance and pleasure, but this time it will be about dominance and pain, maybe a little pleasure.

We'll see.

JT's Stockroom

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Random thoughts on an iPod

I was able to make it out to The Mark for their annual slave auction. http://themarkbycpi.com Saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while, met a lot of people that were new to me.

There were a few young women there that I wouldn't mind going out with. I'm not ready yet though.

I want to lose at least fifty pounds before I start really dating anybody. I think that the way that I'm doing this weightloss is going to be crucial in not just seeing me lose the weight but regaining the ultimate control and health of my body.

I want my stomach to either be in line with my chest or below it. So I think I'll find some additional cardio, core exercises and chest exercises to do on the off days of Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I know that my body isn't my biggest issue when it comes to dating and sex, but it is a major component.

Attitude and behavior. Sex appeal.

I want to get my own place, somewhere that I can dedicate to my passions and make my own money.

I'm still toying with the idea of making my own book and website. I need models for that though. I also need more money than what I have.

I feel like I'm starting at square one, I'm missing so much information about my job history and there was a period of about a year that I was unemployed. I was going to school and working at the school paper, but I was bringing in no substantial amount of income.

I used to collect Skin Two magazines and Marque magazines before they stopped carrying them at my usual bookstore haunts. I guess I was the only one buying the product.

I did the FortraDVD exercises today and I was able to do more of them. It left me soaked with sweat and exhausted. I also finished off the workout as she implies, I'll try this for a week and see if this has a noticable effect.

I'm also going to fill up my off days with some cardio, upper body, and core exercises. Or if I can find a good martial arts class to attend.

The job hunt continues: the application process is as arduous as I ever remember.

I hope that I can find work soon. I'm running into all the scams for people seeking work though, pay us X dollars and then you can apply with us.

Lol! Sorry buddy. If I had the money to be paying you, then I wouldn't be needing a job.

Tomorrow is measurement Wednesday and I hope I've lost something.

I need to see about selling some of my photography. I'll start a list of search options up and see if I can find some sites willing to buy then try to find a girl willing to take a chance.

How much does a bondage/fetish model get paid?



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Books are dangerous... and should be read.

I love feedback. I thrive on it. I want you to comment on what I'm writing about. Let me know if I'm entertaining you or boring you.


Being a dominant man.


Let's talk about being a dominant man real quick and why this is sexy for women in general and especially for submissive women.


Now the purpose of what I'm doing this blog for is to explore my dating techniques and to pick and choose what works and what doesn't. One of the things that I'm sold on is from this book by Gary Brodsky How to Dominate Women and that is that no matter what you as part of the dating of the woman, you should never let the woman decide anything for you.


Let me repeat that just to make sure that I am clear in what I am saying.


Never let the woman decide anything for you, in regards to you, or something that effects you that you should be deciding for yourself.


As a dominant man, you are the one making decisions for yourself. You are the last person that you have to answer to. You can take what they are saying you should be doing and you can consider it as an option, but the moment you say 'yes dear.' to something that they've decided about you is the moment that you should just chop off your balls.


If they don't like the way that you dress, then why are they hanging around you? Listen to what they have to say and then either ignore it completely or make a small compromise by deciding to wear something more appropriate but of your own choice.


You're not making decisions for her either, you're just not letting her have control of your life. This has two effects for you. It creates a bit of tension and drama that you'll both thrive on, and it reminds her that you're in charge of your own life. If she wants to be a part of it, then she has to make her own decisions to do just that.


Now I want to state that I love women. Some of the best people I know are women, and this attitude doesn't apply to all women, but since I'm attempting to find and date a submissive kinky girl... then I have to not cater to the ones that I am attracted to.


Now, being a confidant, dominant man is the secret to the success of getting a woman into bed. I've tested and proven this theory already.


Remember today's lessons;

Men; You are in charge of yourself. Don't ever give up that power or you will regret it. In a general non bdsm sense, then make the decisive decisions within the relationship of where you're going for the night and what you'll be doing and the woman will either follow along for the ride, or she won't.


You don't force her to do anything. That comes later with lots of negotiations and plenty of communications.


JT's Stockroom


Saturday, May 15, 2010

The day after...


The play date with K was amazing. I got to do a lot of things that I've been wanting to try and experience, as well as put the toys to some use finally.


I'm not going to give a play by play of the evening, but I got to use my metal butt plug finally, my anal hook as a vaginal hook, my hitachi wand, and all my striking toys as well as very nearly shoving my fist in her pussy.


It was a bit more sex play than dominance play, but I had her kneel while I inspected her and commanded her into various positions.


It was during this play date that I realized that I still have a long way to go on my fitness regime to get to where I want to be. One of the major things I want do work on is my sexual prowess. I'm still not satisfied with my performance to date, but bear in mind that I'm comparing myself to the Porn stars ten years younger than me (Ye gods am I that old!?) and they have never fought to bring their bodies back under control.


K said I did an amazing job and I don't doubt that I did, but I know I can do better.


By the way; Rockhard Weekend has lost it's potency. I tried it almost 8 months ago and it worked like viagra on steroids, then they changed the formula for some unknown and unacknowledged reason and now it doesn't do shit.


I know this because I have both purchased a bottle of the blue and white pills directly from the manufacturer after they stopped selling in the store and I found a guy who still had a supply of the old stuff.


Took the new pill and waited the requisite 72 hours and I noticed no difference, but when I took the old pill, well, let's just say that I was a little embarrassed to be walking around all the time.


I know that as I lose the weight and rebuild my muscle mass then I'm going to perform better in bed. I'm just being impatient for it.


I spoke to S about M the other day, nothing new there, so I'm not going to worry about it.


L never showed up for the meeting, and she isn't responding to my texts. I may have to go and see her and try to get a direct answer out of her about the modeling and the meetings.


On the actual dating front, I'm still just flirting with women around the town. I want to find another job before I really start going on dates and trying to build a relationship.


I still feel big.


By the way; I love feedback. I thrive on it. Give my your thoughts and suggestions or whatever.



JT's Stockroom


Friday, May 14, 2010

Damn you's a heavy bastard

A few months ago, I stepped into the doctor's office to get myself checked out and tested for STD's because I had just been invited to attend a serious play party where the host was anticipating it to be just one night of debauchery and sex, and she was requesting that the guests be tested before hand to prevent any unwanted infections.

I was surprised by my weight, thinking myself a healthy 250 but when the scale came out with the number of nearly 300 lbs. I was quite surprised. The real shocker, though, came when I was chatting it up with the nurse, kind of flirting with her while she was taking my blood pressure when she started asking me some unusual questions. Do you have any pain? Headaches? etc. I hadn't, but now that you mention it...

I wasn't really too concerned. High blood pressure runs in the family, but when the doctor came in and said, "So I understand that you're here for your blood pressure," I knew that my original purpose had been lost in the panic.

So I made the decision to change my lifestyle from burgers and fries to salads and nuts. I sucked down those Naked Fruit juices like they were water and generally just tried to eat better and healthier than what I had in the past.

I also attempted to exercise, but you know how that goes, you just don't want to do those repetitive exercises that make your muscles hurt and you so tired that you don't know where the day went.

I lost about 5 pounds that first couple of months just by changing my diet; by the way, my tests came back clean for the most part. They didn't like my blood work at the time, but a second workup showed dramatic improvements over the first one. The joys of proper eating.

My weight is currently at 278, and I want to lose 80 more pounds. If that rumor of cock length is true then I'll have an additional two inches after I've lost the weight. I measured myself the other day and I'm an average length with a 4g Prince Albert crown. I'm not holding my breath, but it is exciting to think that it is a possibility. (I understand that this is just a fantasy.)

I'm excited about tonight. I have a play date with K set up and I'm going to be doing so much to her. We've negotiated everything out, we're clear about what is and isn't acceptable, and we're both very excited. She's probably very nervous, but she said as much.

I'll let you know how the play date went later on. I have to go hunt for work now.


Weight 278

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Reading outside of my Diary

Hey guys,


I just thought that I would be the friendly blogger and link up to some of the other bloggers whom I'm following now and give you the best of the best in terms of content and relevancy.


Entering the Scene (A Lonely Pervert Guide)


This is a wonderful essay about getting into the scene, especially if you're single.


A pillar of the community if you ask me.


I love her voice.


I miss these guys. We should pester them to make new shows.




Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Measurement Wednesday!

I've done the workout about five times. I've made my own little adjustments to the order of things on the DVD, like stretching before I do the exercises. Not that they're difficult by themselves, but I just seem to do more after stretching.


If Kat were to do another one of these videos, I would have to say adding some stretches in the beginning to get warmed up with would be a great idea. I mean, really…who doesn’t stretch before they work out?


I would also suggest leaving more time between exercises that require a position change. I'm an out of shape kinky bastard and sometimes I just need to breathe after doing some of the core work. So when Jessie comes out ready to do pushups, I really hate him at that point, because I'm still on my back panting from the stomach crunches.


I'm a bit confused about the ending of the DVD; are we supposed to masturbate or have an orgasm at the end of the as part of the workout? It's implied but never included as part of it…


Some things I've noticed since starting the workout: when I first started the workout on the 3rd of May, I was three exercises in and sweat was pouring off me in buckets. Today I'm sweating, but it isn't the pool of sweat I had before. My heart was pounding in my chest and throat those first few days, but not now.


I don't feel much different except I've noticed I'm eating less and staying full longer, and people have really noticed that I'm looking much better. I'm not porn star quality yet, but damnit, that's what I'm shooting for!


I didn't take my measurements at the beginning of the regime, but I'm going to get them now and post them and then come back to them in a week.


Measurement Wednesday is born.


5/11/10

Navel 46" totally relaxed

Upper Thigh 34"

Chest 46"

Weight unknown, no scales available


Click my links and buy the DVD. It works. It isn't a joke.