random updates

I really don't like the way I look in photographs right now.

I say right now... ever is a better word. I've always hated the way I look. Maybe that's why I decided to be a photographer... sorry, GWC (guy with camera) for so long.

The red headed girl didn't work out. She's too young and has a boyfriend. I told her I had romantic intentions when I asked her out and predictably what happened next was that she wanted to maintain the friendship and I haven't seen her online since. I don't care, she's cute but taken.

Though she did keep flashing me 'unintentionally' while we were having coffee.

Met a new girl at the local bookstore, she's working there and new and we talked about books. Again, I think the age gap is going to be too big, or at least the fat gap. I'm bloated and I know it. I've been eating horribly and getting less than enough exercise.

I don't have a good excuse or reason, call it passive suicide. I've been in a really, really really bad funk here lately. I may be seeing the other end of the tunnel or... I'm encountering the oncoming train... We'll see.

I've been talking to an old friend from high school. She has two kids and represents the 'safe' option I guess. I don't know. She lives far enough away that she's really out of my way but at the same time, I have no excuse for not going to go see her. Problem is is that she's. of course, married and getting a divorce.

I'm getting really tired of dating married girls. Makes me feel like a second choice. Not prime material etc. I hate that feeling. but then again, I can't fight the truth. I'm not prime.

I must apologize at this point; I'm about to go on in a self loathing manner and you don't deserve this. I'm telling you now that what follows is drivel, just me hating on myself to get this out of my system.

I'm stuck in a self destructive spiral and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I know what could pull me out of it and paradoxically, I can't get what I need because I want it so bad. Does that make any sense?

A friend of mine recently said that her kink was broken and I'm starting to feel that mine is too. I'm not getting the same thrill from anything anymore and my interest in what I was passionate for before is now... muted if not squelshed altogether.

It isn't fair for me to put the burden of my happiness upon the shoulders of another, but there it is; I need somebody to support me. Emotionally. To hold me as I cry and regain my composure. To tell me that they'll be there and that they care for me as nobody else does.

Somebody once said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I can't disagree more. Because when you have loved and lost then you are burdened with the knowledge of what you have lost and what you are missing, but those who are ignorant of what they have never experienced are truly in bliss.

I've been tracking my moods here lately, they're mostly unpleasant.

Well, they're unpleasant when I'm by myself. I actually have good moods when I'm with others.

This has potential.

I met a girl.

She's cute. She's into Anime, Video Games, and Cosplaying.

She jumped when we met; trying to pose in midair like they do in the cartoons. She has the big rimmed geeky glasses that look really good on certain girls.

I didn't bat an eye and I was able to keep up with her on her chosen favorite topics.

I asked her out for coffee. She said yes. She's going to college.

We exchanged facebooks.

Her facebook says she's in a relationship. So I sent her a message confirming the date of the coffee date and I emphasized the word date.

She said sounds good. We're meeting next week.

blast from the past:

I've gone on about a certain girl from my past that still has a certain... hold over me. I recently found a letter she had written me when we were dating and I would like to share it with you. Maybe by sharing it, I can either explain why she has that hold or pry her fingers off my heart strings just a little bit.

ahem*

My J********

Good morning! so this morning I'm writing to tell you a Crazy dream I had last night. Remember... nobody can control dreams. lol. Don't let anybody see this.

So... it is set in the older times (kinda like your book [sleeping beauty by Anne Rice]). You are going to another town where you can purchase a sex slave. So there is about 500 men and about 40 naked women in chains on a stage. The men bid on each girl and of course the highest bidder wins the girl. The girl then goes home and obeys every command and treats him with all respect. So you purchased me. You then wrap me in a velvet robe and took me by my arm with a very firm grip. We get to your home and once we are in I can hear you talking to your roommate.

Apparently you had a deal with this guy that you could live in the castle for free as long as he could have me for one night. You come to me and order me to follow his command till morning. This man was very sloppy, treated me with harsh commands and forceful actions. We did not have sex but I had to do things to pleasure him.

The next day you take me, cloth me with a slip that was see through. You have me bring you food and hand feed you (by the way this entire time my hands are cuffed and with chains). When night falls you bring me into your room, you were nicer. You first lay me down taking my slip off then slowly ran your hand over every curve of my body applying slight pressure to areas that attracted you. You then stand me up off to the side of your bed. You reach over to your drawer and pull out a key.

You grab my wrist firmly and say to me " I will unlock you if you promise to stay here by my side and if you do and still obey my commands I will respect you as well."

I agree.

You unlock me. We stand there facing each other for a minute with no words or movements. You then go and sit in a curved chair, you then lean back into a comfort zone. You command me to come over and stradle your lap.

We gaze at each other meeting eye to eye looking very deep into each other. You slowly grab the back of my neck very gently at first and then you forcefully bring me into you kissing me firmly on my lips. As we continue to kiss passionately you firmly gram my lower hips, moving me closer so my naked body is pressed up against yours.

The you slowly move me back and forth. At this point I'm starting to get comfortable with you and enjoying myself and starting to make moves on myself.

You command me in a very firm voice "Stop!"

In a milder voice you say, "I didn't tell you to enjoy yourself."

You push me away, stand up, walk over to your bed and lay down with your arms resting behind your head. You are now naked. You then nod for me to come over to you and lean over you to whisper in my ear to now sit on top of you, and take over.

I slowly climb on top of you (very nervously) then start to kiss you starting at your ears, down your neck, my hands running down your side. I then place your dick fully into my mouth. My limps slowly wrap around you, my warm wet tongue slides up and down you, starting at the base and ending with my lips circling the tip.

Once I have you fully excited and hard, you pull me up, I land with me sitting directly on you. You can feel how hot my body is on top of you. You then throw my over to your side, you pull me to the edge of your bed and lay me on my belly. As I am bent over your bed and your hands on my hips, you insert yourself into me very forcefully. Forcing your hard, thick, long dick into my tight, wet pink pussy. I can feel your balls bouncing off my wetness and you can feel my round butt bouncing off of you.

I scream with joy, gripping the sheets of the bed. You then slow down and move one hand to where it lays flat on my stomach. Now we take the time to just slowly feel our bodies glide together in and out. this brings great pleasure to me and as my pleasure heightens my legs straighten bring my body slightly higher, you deeply insert yourself into me and I cum over your hard dick with a long moan.

You, feeling my warm wetness rung over you and feeling my lips tighten around you and my ass becoming firm against your body, you cum inside of me, forcing you to moan back to me very deeply and your hand pressing more firmly on my hips. You pull me around, facing you and kiss me very passionately.

We lay in the bed and you cover me with a thin sheet.

"Kiss me on my neck and lay on me and rest now. In the morning we will do this again." you say to me.

this is me blushing. It was a very detailed dream.

I don't don't know what else to say at this point. I can't wait to be with you.

Your A*******

This is what got away from me. This is what I remember of that relationship. This is why when she texts me up out of the blue I get upset. Because I had it and then I didn't.

Oh well. I hope you enjoy it.

The Conversation... Via Text

The following happened today and out of the blue.
Ex: Really really weird and wrong cuz i am with someone but i am laying here and all i could think of suddenly is u... hope ur doing well sry its late. sent 1:06am Recieved 11:54am
Me: I don't know how to respond to this. Sent 11:58am
Me: Did you want to talk or were you just sharing? Sent 12:21pm
Ex: Idk it was really weird how i just thought of u last night and us watching tv together on the couch... guess sharing and really wanted to make sure ur doing ok Recieved 12:29pm
Me: No Sent 12:30pm
Ex: Whats wrong? Recieved 12:30pm
Me: What can i say? You still haunt me. I have regrets that we didn't work out and i miss you. and you rejected me. You catch me off guard. Sent 12:38pm
Ex: Sorry :(.. I was trying to be nice. Later Recieved 12:42pm
Me: Unless you want to make up and try again then please leave me alone. I know what we had was brief but it touched me. Sent 12:50pm

This from the girl I was willing to marry in a heartbeat. I'm fine and able to move on without her in my life... I just need her there out of my life.
Did I do the right thing?

Why can't she leave me alone?

Ex girlfriend texts me up, same one I want to grudge fuck and tells me she's wrong and weird but she suddenly started thinking of me last night again and how we used to watch television on the couch.

How the fuck am I supposed to respond to or answer this fucking bitch? Do I tell her that the weirdest things remind mr of her still, I miss seeing her talking to her and just her presence and that I was much better with her than I am without her? That I wish I had never fucking met her because I don't feel right any more without her and despite my best efforts I haven't been able to move on past her and every time I feel like I'm making progress she sends me a single text message that drags me to tears as if everything was fresh.

I fucking hate this.

I told her I wasn't okay and that she still haunts me. Unless she was serious in wanting to make it work with me, then to leave me alone.

I know the likely hood of that happening, maybe that will prevent her from fucking me up emotionally.

I was fine before she texted me up, but afterwards I was getting short with my eyeglass tech. I feel on edge now.

Getting new glasses after four years, yay.

I'm all fucked up right now.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Status update

I know I haven't posted anything in a while. I kinda hope you missed me.
I haven't had much to blog about. No, I haven't found anybody yet. I've been in the blues thinking about my life and wallowing in porn. Pretty sad actually.

I had a date with an old high school crush, it went well. We're going out again, but I'm not getting that jolt of a new relationship. It feels like I'm just meeting an old friend for... whatever.

Bought some new clothes, couple of shirts and a pair of pants. Made sure they fit, I was happy to note that my pants went down a size. So the exercise is paying off there.

Ever since I started working again, it has felt like I have no time during the day, but this may be more because of my Internet habits than anything else.

I'm sleeping more, I should be, I'm drinking a sleep tonic before bed.

Money has been an issue. Too many meals purchased at the fast food places on lunch eats up my money as fast as I can eat my lunch.

I'm really sick of hope that is perpetuated that people meet their significant other at the most random of times, at the bookstore, grocery shopping or other mundane activity.

It just hasn't happened to me yet.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Something on my arm that is just visible if I wear a short sleeve shirt.

Maybe a tribal pattern of something creeping down my arm.

The saying is that girls like a bad boy but they'll marry the good boys. Sure. For some reason I don't believe that anymore.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

7/01/2010