Tuesday, July 27, 2010

random updates

I really don't like the way I look in photographs right now.

I say right now... ever is a better word. I've always hated the way I look. Maybe that's why I decided to be a photographer... sorry, GWC (guy with camera) for so long.

The red headed girl didn't work out. She's too young and has a boyfriend. I told her I had romantic intentions when I asked her out and predictably what happened next was that she wanted to maintain the friendship and I haven't seen her online since. I don't care, she's cute but taken.

Though she did keep flashing me 'unintentionally' while we were having coffee.

Met a new girl at the local bookstore, she's working there and new and we talked about books. Again, I think the age gap is going to be too big, or at least the fat gap. I'm bloated and I know it. I've been eating horribly and getting less than enough exercise.

I don't have a good excuse or reason, call it passive suicide. I've been in a really, really really bad funk here lately. I may be seeing the other end of the tunnel or... I'm encountering the oncoming train... We'll see.

I've been talking to an old friend from high school. She has two kids and represents the 'safe' option I guess. I don't know. She lives far enough away that she's really out of my way but at the same time, I have no excuse for not going to go see her. Problem is is that she's. of course, married and getting a divorce.

I'm getting really tired of dating married girls. Makes me feel like a second choice. Not prime material etc. I hate that feeling. but then again, I can't fight the truth. I'm not prime.

I must apologize at this point; I'm about to go on in a self loathing manner and you don't deserve this. I'm telling you now that what follows is drivel, just me hating on myself to get this out of my system.

I'm stuck in a self destructive spiral and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I know what could pull me out of it and paradoxically, I can't get what I need because I want it so bad. Does that make any sense?

A friend of mine recently said that her kink was broken and I'm starting to feel that mine is too. I'm not getting the same thrill from anything anymore and my interest in what I was passionate for before is now... muted if not squelshed altogether.

It isn't fair for me to put the burden of my happiness upon the shoulders of another, but there it is; I need somebody to support me. Emotionally. To hold me as I cry and regain my composure. To tell me that they'll be there and that they care for me as nobody else does.

Somebody once said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I can't disagree more. Because when you have loved and lost then you are burdened with the knowledge of what you have lost and what you are missing, but those who are ignorant of what they have never experienced are truly in bliss.

I've been tracking my moods here lately, they're mostly unpleasant.

Well, they're unpleasant when I'm by myself. I actually have good moods when I'm with others.

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